“I really enjoy your blog Drea,” Ralph tells me at track, “But you know, a lot of the time I have no idea what you’re talking about!”
Hold on Kris, the road is about to get windy. Stay with me baby. I have a reoccurring dream. I can’t remember how long ago this dream began, but it has been years. In the dream, I am driving a car, not always the same car, on a steep road, not always the same road. However, the scenario is a match. The road begins to rise in an unsurmountable incline and no matter how much I gun the gas, my wheels begin to spin and eventually my car tips backward just before I reach the top. I watch the blue sky flash through the front windshield as I plummet backwards and now airborne falling trapped inside my vehicle. I wake up.
Don’t take notes. That dream analysis is obvious. No Freud degree required as this is bar talk simple. Pick a topic, any topic, I can make that dream fit to perfectly reflect my latest or longest itch. My mind spins like my wheels and IF I just get THERE then I will be on top and I can relax, but I NEVER get there. The road is too steep. I tumble backwards.
Uh-DUH, pick a new route.
Saturday’s workout was one of my worst in a while. Yeah not really because the numbers sucked, and they did. Yeah not really because the feeling associated with these sucky numbers sucked, and they did. But really because the mind associated with the sucky numbers and suck suck feeling sucked. How many times can I say suck? 1,231. I’m just answering the question.
No matter how many times Mike and Tim smelled bacon, I did not get to say, “That’ll do Pig.” It was an off workout. No big deal. So why the reminder from coach to smile? A while ago my friend told me, “I can’t really imagine training this hard if I wasn’t getting any better.”
That struck my suck nerve. What? Look that hot little dinner date named Personal Record hasn’t so much as even called in two years. Every once in a while she flirts with me in workouts, but when it matters it’s all….“Drea? I’m sorry, I don’t know her.” You know me beotch! Now come back over here and give me a kiss!
I run for multiple reasons all highlighted in one neon marker glowing because-I-love-it. But yes, I would LOVE to get better. I would LOVE to not get injured. I would LOVE to stay in this little happy place of relaxation and drive that I have found. It’s a sweet little pool and you are invited as long as you don’t pee in it. I have had a great time going out of town to other races and not PR-ing and getting my ass kicked. Honestly, it has been a fantastic spring. I do not fear getting my clock cleaned, but I do fear getting wound up by fault of my own insecurities. Sigh. I am not perfect.
“Um, I know you know this, but nobody thinks you’re perfect.”
OH COME ON! Some one out there thinks I am perfect? Anyone? Hello? You sir? Didn’t you call me a work of art?
“I said, Piece of work.”
There is a fantastic child’s book that I read to my children, but really I read it to myself….over….and over. It is called Zen Shorts by Jon J Muth. I always want to call this book Zen Pants and then am constantly surprised when I pick it up and see Zen Shorts. The book revolves around a giant Panda, no not Poe, who teaches lessons to three young children through telling them real Buddhist literature. My favorite story goes like this- I will shorten it a lot.
Two traveling monks are by the water and a rude lady wants to get across without getting wet. Her attendants are busy carrying all her crap and can’t possibly carry her too. She snaps at the monks to help her out. The young monk ignores her. The old monk picks her up and carries her across the water and sets her down on the other side. She doesn’t thank him. The two monks hike along the rest of the day. The old monk is a happy guy and the young monk is cross. Finally the young monk loses his temper and questions how the old monk could not be bothered by the ungrateful and demanding behavior of the lady. The old monk smiles to the young monk and says……. “I put that woman down a long time ago, why are you still carrying her?”
Oh, I gotta stop picking up women! I mean, wait, look PR might not want to go out with me, but Grudge, she won’t stop texting, calling, popping in with coffee and beets like we’re sisters. I can hold a grudge like I can hold a plank. Have you been to class?
One of the tricks to being happy is achieving the true ability to Let Go. Let It Go. The space rented in your own head to grievances is a choice.
Now Ralph, are you still with me?