Arriving late, I throw my yoga mat out onto the last available square footage of wood floor at Power of Your Om yoga studio. Half dressed like I always am, my exposed legs are dusted in trail from a run. Power of Your Om isn’t Bikram, but it is very warm. It’s a good warm. If Bikram is Houston in August, than PYO is Miami in March. The room is full of pony tails and yoga pants and a few powerhouse men sprinkled in the betweens. Transitioning through moves, I start to drip immediately. Then I start to rain. Brizzle, this isn’t Drizzle. Sweat runs off my body like a watershed and pools dirty little trail mud puddles on my light blue mat. Shit, should have picked the dark purple color.
Between half bends, I swipe and wipe the piggy evidence away with my towel. I bend and lift and down dog and up dog and flip dog and star and slip through all my moves with the ease of greased pork. Hey, bacon is very bendable! I am glowing Schwarzenegger. Thank Halo a mini-very-feminine-SAY YES YOU AGREE-version, but none the less, an oiled, shiny, muscle bound Betty Schwarzenegger. Maybe I am his love child? Inheritance please! I’ll get you the address Arnold.
Only I swear, I SWEAR, I did not smear myself in lavender baby oil and then come to yoga. Don’t believe me? Sniff me! That’s right, pure 100% body sweat. I flip back over into down dog and sweat stings my eyes and runs up my nose as if I had jumped in a pool. Ah, that burns! Must be the sodium. Re-write: As if I’d jumped in the ocean….
Warrior II allows me time to survey the scene. Humph, her mat is dry as is her top and pants. So is hers. She looks partly cloudy with a chance of showers. He is glistening. Ah- there, that muscle bound heavy hitter over there is drenching the east side while I cover the west. S’up bro?
Why do some people sweat SO much while others don’t? What’s it all mean? How can I spin the research to prove that I am great….I mean, that sweating is great?
Many people will tell you and try to sell you (hot sauna therapy aka Sweat Lodge) that sweating helps rid the body of toxins. Medically this is bullshit. Sweating has one function: To cool the body down and prevent it from over heating. Ah-ha! So people who sweat a lot are ridiculously hot people? Like really freaking ridiculously good looking? Uh- no.
Women have more sweat glands than men. OK, that makes sense for me, I got a lot of glands. I am a land of glands, make it rain. However, men’s sweat glands are more active than women’s. Uh- so I have more glands and I am just as active as a man, grrrrrrreat. This sounds like a commercial I know….! Fit men sweat significantly more than fit women. Define significantly? OK, I am like a very fit man. A feminine one! Hold on, this post isn’t going the way I wanted it to. Ego, how you doing? OK, go stuff your bra.
Fat people also sweat more than normal weight people because they have a nice insular layer that heats them up more quickly. I am not fat as proven by the fact that I cannot stay in the ocean for thirty seconds else I completely freeze due to the lack of blubber. There I said it, I am NOT fat. However rarely do I ever find a person who sweats more than me. Why do you think I will never live in Texas again? When you sit down to chat and leave a butt mark on the concrete, sugar it is time to move!
That being said, I do not have hyperhydrosis. Poor people, someone should start an awareness campaign. Raise a bunch of money so they can all get Botox in their armpits. ”I used to sweat and blink and lift my arms, but I spent thousands of dollars on Botox and now I save so much money on antiperspirents that it is like so not even funny!” Or we just round all these people up and ship them to Alaska and start a new Australia only we call it Alaska. I should run for President.
Yoga is such an amazing practice. I feel like a better, slightly dehydrated person. And what’s it all mean? It just means I make it rain baby.