If you are a runner nerd or are anywhere near a runner nerd, then you know the laundry list of ways to “properly” recover from hard workouts: Hydrate, Replenish Carbs & Proteins, Eat a proper meal within 1 hour, Take a nap (YEAH RIGHT!), Take an ice bath, Foam roll, Wear compression tights and socks, Stretch….

What happened to the wise words of Mr. Burns?  ”I like to put my feet up.”

No.  That’s not good enough.  Or is it?

Running Times recently published an article stating that there are no real proven benefits in things like recovery tights and ice baths.  In fact, they went as far as to say that cooling the inflammatory process post workout could actually hinder recovery!  Hold it!  You mean to tell me….that I do not have to drop the F-bomb four times and plunge myself to my children’s amusement into my personal arctic fish bowl?  OH all those wasted F-bombs!!  And you know how I like to save them for special occasions!  Fuck.

Ice baths off the list, great!  No problem.  No, I do not want to see any further research to debate the validity of this clearly correct research that has told me to cease the freeze.  [Fingers in ears] La La La La La!

The article also tisked the popular vitamin I aka ibuprofen.  ”Just say no.”  Due to NSAIDS hindering iron absorption, I have already cut way back on these orange puppies.  What?  Yes, I know coffee also hinders the absorption of iron.  No, I haven’t cut back on coffee.  What exactly is your point?

Anyway, ibuprofen’s power at knocking out inflammation is not always a good thing.  Some of that inflammation is needed for proper recovery.  Here!  Here!

Compression tights?  Now this is where I am confused and also left wondering what exactly is going on in the world of fashion.  Fashion?  Yes, we are making a jump.  1, 2, 3….JUMP!  Although research does not support compression for any good during exercise, it does still support compression for increased blood flow which would lead to a faster recovery post exercise.  OK.  Compression is good.  Stay with me……we are still jumping.

But what exactly is going on with all this compression?

Have you tried to buy a pair of jeans lately?  Well, I have.  I carried a dozen pairs of different denims to the dressing room to leave each pair crumbled on the floor because I could not even get my calves to fit through the place where the calve is supposed to go.

Did a calf just become the new thigh?  Are we to now go around mumbling, “Oh Gawd, I hate my calves.  If I eat a bite of cake, it goes straight to my calves.”

What happened to the good old days of lying on your back, holding your breathe, and squeezing your hips into skinny jeans?

I don’t even get a chance to get this far because I am left heaving and panting in the hurt locker trying to inch my now overly compressed calves into unstretchable denim.  I know fashion owns the rights to stretchy jeans!  Where have they gone?  Spandex gets it!  Tight, but movable!  Skin tight, but MOVABLE!

It isn’t pretty.

“Mommy,” she says with big eyes, “Aren’t you going to try any of these on?”  I AM TRYING!!!  I am trying to get my calf through this ridiculously tiny slot of a jean.  WHO WEARS THESE?  Ahhhhhhh.  I’m breaking a sweat.

Exhausted, I finally squeeze my lower legs into a pair.  Humph, the ass and hips are too big.  WHY?  Why would it be mission impossible to smoosh my gastrocnemius into a pair of jeans to only be left with droopy butt?  Again, WHO WEARS THESE???

Defeated, I actually and against better judgement purchase a pair of jeans.  They fit!  Until, I washed them.

If I could just…get…them….to….go…umph…over….my calves…..

I am lying on my back laughing with my pants down and stuck around my lower legs.  The calves are so tight the compression, THE COMPRESSION, is making my toes tingle.

STOP IT.  That’s not what I mean.

I don’t even remember what I am trying to recover from anymore.  My workout?  My bad purchase?  Am I being punished for dressing room stupidity?  Does Anthro owe me an Opology?

I want my Opology!

Well, at least I don’t have cankles.  I can get my ankles in.  Don’t my new jeans make my feet look cute?

Girl in Recovery.

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