I now drive around in a constant state of anxiety. I am starting to feel it in my jaw. My children are not the bickering type. They usually get along fairly well, share their toys, and yes, days still go by with whining and a few explosive tears, but that’s just normal childhood. I am not assuming the mellow drama fades anytime soon.
However, now we have an official…..and yes there are OFFICIAL RULES…..Punch Buggy game going on. The back seat competition is hot! The scoring is stone cut and the tears are volatile. Think tears of the last cookie on Earth just got eaten verses the tears of vaccines. The contestants? Of course. My children.
“PUNCH BUGGY YELLOW!!! NO PUNCH BACKS!!!” explodes the screams of one soon to be Kindergartener darling girl.
“That’s a PT Cruiser,” mediates Mom.
“Ow! You can’t hit me!”
“Yes I can!”
“PUNCH BUGGY TAN!!!! NO PUNCH BACKS!!!!” the boy laughs and then did I hear that right???? Oh yes, “BOO-YA!” And yes, we got cable to watch the Olympics so we started with The Stanley Cup, rolled into World Cup Soccer, and now even though we are on pause waiting for the opening ceremony, he beams in a cool announcer voice, “Michelob Light, a refreshing beer.”
“Say WHAT?” Mom slams on breaks and son makes a rapid machine gun firing sound from his mouth.
“DON’T SPIT ON ME!” the girl is not amused, but then….”PUNCH BUGGY RED!!!! NO PUNCH BACKS!!!”
“That’s a Porsche,” Mom is still thinking about beer and guns. Argh.
“Well I got 14.”
“No you didn’t.”
“NO FAIR! I called that one!”
It continues on and on. I clutch the steering wheel with eyes shifting right and left. No texting while driving? Fine! I think we should also make a rule about No Punch Buggy-ing. I don’t want to be too distracted from the road, but I literally never get a…..
“PUNCH BUGGY SILVER!!! NO PUNCH BACKS!” explodes Mom.
“Finally!” the boy huffs, “But I got like 20.”
“Well, I got one,” I defend my punch, but feel a pop in the back of the head, “OW!”
“You didn’t punch me, so now it’s mine!”
“I can’t punch you! I’m driving!”
“Yes you can, just reach around and hit me.”
BLINK BLINK. Did my son just tell his mother to reach around while driving and punch him? No officer, I swear I was not texting while driving. I was playing the very legal game of Punch Buggy and yes my son demanded that I follow the rules which entailed me back popping him one while I still maintained control of my vehicle with my left hand. Yes I grew up in Texas. Why do you ask?
No wonder women are terrible drivers! We have children in the car.