If you are wondering the answer to the question Does the waitress spit in my food if I’m a rude jerk in need of a muzzle? The answer is always YES.
My girlfriend and I sat at a local brewery having a pint and a pizza. A lovely evening found us outside in hats and light sweaters in communal seating. Only a few other parties were around us. Dogs are allowed on the patio and Buffy tangled herself around table legs tethered to my wrist. Delightful.
Eventually, as will happen in dog approved beer patios, another dog emerged on the scene. Buffy sounded the alarm or perhaps became the pom pom of a welcoming committee for the blue eyed husky’s arrival. Just as the cock crows three times, Buffalo Speedway thou hast barketh thrice.
gentlemen who had been enjoying their beer suddenly turned their attention on me.
“Shut your dog up.”
The words sprung at me the way a flying squirrel might jump from a tree and land on my face. In other words, WTF.
“Oh,” I stuttered, “I’m trying to.”
“Well try a little harderrrr Honey.”
My eyes went black and the words, “You’re an asshole,” leaked out of my mouth.
His buddy snapped back with venomous flare, “Well you started it Sweetheart.” He followed with a I am holding in a fart face and two air kisses. KISS KISS.
I wanted to Bruce Leah their Allison asses who float like a fairy, but sting like herpes; however, orange is not going to be my new black. Sooooo…..
I scooped Buffy up and tucked my face into my hat. Hot tears welded up in my eyes and I choked down a mouth full of pizza. I’m a New Yorker! Why are sassy bitches getting under my skin like the A Train? Aren’t we all just four chicks on a patio sipping hops? Five, if you count Buffy.
I looked down into Buffy’s big brown cherry eyes while she batted her snowdrift eyelashes up at me. What is it Buffy? What are you saying girl? Are you saying Kick Their Ass Sea Bass, Nobody Puts Buffy in the Corner?
Good girl. I abandoned the table and sought out the waitress. I ordered the lot a round of what they were drinking and hacked two huge spit balls into each frothy head.
“Enjoy your beers.”
I took my dog and my Greek salad….. to go.