Archive for the ‘Inspired by youth’ Category
Having children age six and seven makes for a particular magical Halloween. Their enthusiasm alone is enough to induce a full spine sugar rush. There is also a glimpse into what type of human being you are raising….come….trick or treat time. I spent the evening biting my lower lip with my Vampire incisors gleefully watching my offspring roam the neighborhood.
My daughter maintained her sweetness. The little vampire roused herself up in red lipstick and flowery headbands to politely sing “Trick or Tweat” to any door that might open. She returned with a heavy load of 115 pieces of assorted candies.
My son was cruelly held back from a full attack by his family.
“Wait for us!”
He would quickly disappear up a driveway to knock on doors, declare his “Trick or Treat,” and then…..negociate exactly how many pieces of candy he should be given based on 1. The fact that he wears braces and cannot eat all the other candies and requires chocolate 2. The size of the candy bowl ["Looks like you might have some leftovers and you wouldn't want that would you? My mom throws OUT left over candy!"] 3. How many kids were standing at the door with him ["Looks like it's just ME and my sister, but she doesn't like tootsie rolls and I can't have those because of my braces so can we each have two Snickers?"] 4. How late in the evening it was getting ["It's late. Not that many more kids probably coming this way. You sure do have a lot of candy.]
This worked brilliantly! He followed it all up with enthusiastic flattering…..
“Happy Halloween to you!”
“I really like your garden!”
“Your jack o lanterns are awesome!”
“Dig in are my favorite words!”
“Did you say three or four pieces, please?”
“Oh, five pieces is totally OK with MY Mom!”
“Yes, we’re back, but we live close to here and we were sure you had more candy.”
I witnessed a man laughing to his wife about some kid negotiating for more chocolate because he has braces. The man was practically wetting himself in laughter. I was practically wetting myself in pride. It was a big pee pee party. Thank goodness Halloween is black.
Removing the gore of the holiday, it is quite a lovely ritual. Children walk about and meet the neighbors requesting a small gift and return it with Happy’s and Thank You’s. If you want the prize you should be polite and yet…..if you want a lot of prizes ever so slightly aggressive and task oriented. I mean 8pm waits for no one….like so many lessons in life…Move It or Lose It.
My son racked up 175 pieces of all chocolate. We decided to drag the loot home the spooky way. Everyone declared they could not possibly be spooked. There was not anything spooky to be seen.
“Can’t you just be a normal mother!?”
The fact that I don’t even really know what that means probably means the answer is NO.
The children tear down the street toward dad and mom is in trouble for scaring them. Sheesh. Tough crowd. The candy makes it home under heavy tow from little arms and legs and is scattered about the floor for counting. Every year thus far, I have had this brilliant system where the candy goes into a community bowl and then….day….by….day….just disappears. Dear Reader, the Secret is that I throw it out! The children NEVER notice! I just throw it away! I’m brilliant!
The other magical trick is the Candy Witch. The children leave out a healthy offering of wrapped sugar shit and the Witch takes it To Throw OUT and leave a cheap plastic toy…..How is that better? Damn good question.
Of the 290 pieces of candy the littles laid out 16 pieces for the Witch.
“Um, I think the Witch is gonna be offended guys.”
“She’s gonna fly the broom back up the chimney.”
Dad made the deal. I sulked. That leaves a lot of candy in the house. BUT no worries….I’ll just slowly throw it out like I always do. Right?
The next day after school, my children spent the afternoon SORTING and COUNTING each piece of candy and placing them into individually marked sandwich bags! It looks like CSI!
16 Snickers…..5 packages of Sugar Daddies….23 Tootsie Rolls…..2 Almond Joys…..12 Kit Kat……
THEY GOT ME!
“Don’t throw it out Mom.”
Please Help Lachlan raise money for Peabody Charter School by sponsoring him. The average kindergartener runs 20 laps. Lachlan estimates he will run 1,000. Please click the link below to make an online donation OR contact his mom (uh, me).
“Maybe someone farted,” she says. I think about this.
“Well,” I sigh, “If your farts smell like coffee, than I’d like to marry you. Now that I could live with.”
Let’s butt face it, farts happen…..and they happen a lot in Pilates. All the tensing and tightening and compressing and flexing- fluffs sneak out usually with a good squeak. It’s common place, but nobody likes it when their tush does the push. So like mature adults we inhale and exhale the other way and pretend that our ears did not hear the eulogy of RIP. I mean we are runners for goodness sake! Who has not farted in a run? Who has not jet powered down a finishing stretch pop-popping with every foot flop? Who has not stood there in the open air dripping in sweat congratulating other runners while completely letting hopefully silent power packs slide? And if…if…Halo forbid one should be audible, we flick our eyes away and we all pretend….we all pretend that NO- NOT I, No, No, I did not fart.
My children are young. I can still walk around half dressed and pick underwear out of my butt and pee with the bathroom door open. Innocence fears no trauma here as privacy is for shame. We got no shame. God bless innocence. It won’t last much longer. So innocent they are that I can rip a fart while brushing their teeth and they don’t even flinch. Like it never happened. Oh- OK- every once in a while sweet baby girl will smirk at me and notify my head that my rump just fluffed, but usually we just keep attacking those sugar bugs.
Even when they are at my mercy trapped in the mini van- OR vice versa!- no one figures it out. ”OH man!” my son will tout, “Did someone fart?”
“Not me,” I snicker and push the window buttons to ease the pain.
Later the smell magically reoccurs in the house.
“OH man,” my son’s confusion grows, “I smell that again? Isla did you fart?”
“Not me,” she says and bounces around on one foot, “Not me.”
No body asks me so I just keep folding up laundry. ”Time for shower kids.”
Well, wonders never cease….in the mist of the mint and tea tree bubbles….the smell creeps into the shower! OF ALL PLACES!!!!
“OH man!” my son is dumb founded, “WHY IS THAT SMELL GOING EVERYWHERE WE GO!!!”
Tears! Tears of laughter! I cry as I type this now…and….fart…it is so funny! God bless the innocent. One day….one day….they won’t forgive me.
Unfortunately, no, it was not I that dropped a coffee fart in class this morning. If that’s your brand, then you are also blessed. God bless those that coffee fluff. Can anyone drop Krispy Kreme bombs? I’d bounce on your tummy in anticipation.